2003-05-27 - 1:58 a.m.
#117: No Need for Repetition
Note to self: Day 238 and I'm still not infected with SARS. So far, so good.
Well, I'm still here in New Zealand. The house is not selling so I'm not moving, it seems. I'm also without a job, unmotivated, and stuck at home in my room for 20 hours a day or more. Most likely to be more. In otherwords, I'm back to where I started almost a year ago. How nostalgic. Though not in the "bittersweet memories of kinder, happier times" sort of way but rather "What the heck am I doing backsliding to this point AGAIN" sort of way. Repetition is a habit of mine.
I.... would have liked to have made this entry slightly more positive. Given how the previous two entries in the last six months have been dedicated to me venting and being all angry-like, something a little bit on the less rageful end of the scale would have been an idea of moderate intelligence. Unfortunately, I can't quite muster my ability to be wholly silly at the moment. That's reserved for forums such as the Auckland Anime Clubs own, wherein I allow myself to indulge in my humourous and altogether pedantic self to the amusement of those around me. I wonder if I used the word "pedantic" properly? I never know quite when to drop that word into conversations anyway. But in any case, here I am, being quite serious about this whole entry gig situation and not too willing to dip my toes into the realm of farce or comedy at the moment. Sorry. I'm just not feeling like myself right now. Or for the last two entries, to be honest. Severe breach of ettiquette there, I think.
I want to use this entry as a free medium for my mind. Just something for my brain to regurgitate all the fears, doubts and other things it's been occupied with while I happily wile away my time on some pointless activity on my PC (subtext: Solitaire. Despite my dogged attempts to kick this nasty habit, my mouse pointer always finds itself over the little icon for "Solitaire" whenever I'm stuck for something to do). See, I subscribe to the school of thought that says the brain is thinking ALL the time, even if you're not consciously aware of it. While you're there, pounding away at some problem that won't move to solution no matter how hard you try: Your brain is on the job and ticking away at different ways to get things done. You basically figure things out by letting your brain get a word in edgewise in the midst of your browsweating toil and bingo! You found your solution! Okay, it's not quite as simple as that, and if one were to sit still hoping for some kind of ultimate realisation of the world and its meaning of: it's not going to happen. But still, it's a neat trick. Sometimes, your brain is a lot smarter than you are. You gotta just listen to your brain. And boy, does that sound immensely stupid. And have I mentioned all this before? I feel like deja vu just walked over my grave.
So, anyway. Here goes. Introducing the amazing ponderings of my brain! No applause, please. We wouldn't want to break its train of thought.
....
I should probably have written this entry a bit earlier. Say about 30 minutes ago when I was lying awake in bed thinking of a whole lot of things that I would have liked to have gotten them down in the form that they were in at that very moment. Now I have to remember what it was that I thought up and they're not nearly as impressive or informative the second time around. Well, maybe just not impressive. Informative, they might still be. Might even help me get out of this rut I've gotten myself back in. Remember, no recriminations, no sob stories, no whining away right nowabout how useless I am: I just want solutions. That's all I really need. All the self pity in the world isn't going to help me. I learned that a while ago. Why did I forget? Why did I have to relearn something so simple? Why did I forget and let go and become stuck back here in the place where I don't want to be? No. Forget that. I mean, forget that I forgot about it. Let's get back on track here. What do I want?
What do I want?
WHAT do I want?
What DO I want?
Well first of all, I want to make sure this doesn't become one of those touchy-feely online journals you see where the author writes the same question several times with different inflections to make them sound deeper than they really are. So, that's first of. Second of all, I want to stop tripping myself over what I'm going to write next right now. I'm really blocking the flow of thought here by thinking of the people who might read this and think all kinds of things that are wrong wrong wrong. Just go for it, you know? I mean, sure it's an online journal and everything but it's anonymity by the masses. EVERYBODY has one of these things. You're not going to sell yourself short here by trying to be as normal (or more normal, maybe) as the next journal that details the life of an anal retentive man who writes down every single friggin' thing he did in the entire day down to when, how and why he used a particular toothbrush that day and I'm getting off track by this stop.
Okay. Let's try this again. No more interruptions from the peanut gallery.
I want life to be less ad-libbed. I want more information. Preferably in brochures. Little readable pamphlet things I can open up and turn to the appropriate section when I'm stuck in life so I can go, "Oooooh so that's what I'm supposed to do". Or maybe a walkthrough. That would be a more accurate name for that thing that I want. I want a walkthrough that'll tell me what I'm supposed to do with my life. So that I don't get stuck. Why? Why do I need a walkthrough? Because I'm afraid of doing things that haven't been done before. I want to make like some adventurer boldly striding through life like nothing can stop him but there's just so many things that'll stop me if I even bother to try. But I haven't tried yet. What makes me so sure that there would be things to stop me if I tried? Everything is out to stop me. People are out to stop me. Circumstances are out to stop me. God is out to stop me. How can I be sure that things will work out with so many things that could go wrong in the way? But that's not all.
Not only things that can go wrong but things that do not start because I do not know where I have to go. Stalled because I don't know if I can do this. I want to be famous. I want to be a voice actor. I want to be famous for doing this or doing that or doing other things. I want to be proud of these things I've done and I want people to acknowledge me for doing these things. Maybe if I became a professional I won't have to want people to acknowledge me: Just seeing my name in the credits somewhere would be fine enough. That would be awesome. Am I really that shallow that I'd choose this kind of thing over completing a university degree in computer systems engineering? Probably. Besides it's too late to start that again. And even if it wasn't I don't want to do it any more. It was too hard and boring and I preferred to spend time with my friends or writing up reports. I could write up reports pretty well. I have the gift of spewing endless amounts of spiel with only the minutest amount of information available. That's my gift? Don't I have something more important I could be doing? Why don't I discover something scientific and great that'll benefit mankind? That seriously doesn't interest me. I don't think I'd have fun doing that. I don't know if that would really be the case if I'd actually tried, though. But I want to capitalise on my current talents, instead.
I can write pretty well, I think. If I'd tried, I could probably write a novel. Something long with big words. And it'd be funny, too. But I'd probably lose interest partway and abandon it. Why does that always happen? I need to be more consistent with my writing. I should update this journal everyday. I am sidetracking. I want to do voice acting. Then I can be famous and adored and not ignored by throngs of people who should be worshipping the lines I voice. Uncanny the way my mind focusses when I think about about getting famous. But let's skip the wish fulfillment and polishing of the hubris and come to the practicalities of the whole. What can I do with voice acting in New Zealand? What's available here? Is there anything? I've looked in job search things online and veven though it hasn't been very indepth I haven't found anything of note. Is there even a market for this sort of thing? Don't they just grab random people off the street to say lines in those ads you hear all the time on radio or on TV and you thought you could do better? But I don't know that. I'm just postulating based upon observations. Is this thing viable? I still don't know. How can I check? I can look online but chances are all I'd find is spam. And I'd be stuck with all these questions. And how can I support myself with just voice acting anyway? I should get a dayjob. Be one of those aspiring artist people who do dayjobs and practise their art at night. Or something wild and crazy like that. I should get a job, period.
....
And.... I've lost it. The bubble burst a while ago, actually. I was just trying to tie up the last of my brain discharges in that last paragraph. There's probably still more in there, but I think the message of getting a job is clear. It'll solve many of the problems I have right now. Not just financially (the savings from my last workplace at MacDonalds is dwindling at a phenomenal rate) but also the ability to look into the mirror without any hint of self-loathing. As overly dramatised as that may sound.
Funny. After not writing regularly for so long I suddenly feel the urge to let loose again on this journal. It's always that way, isn't it? So hard to pick up, but so hard to put down again once you've started. And then you stop again and the cycle begins anew. I keep telling myself I'll feel better if I get off my ass (figuratively) and just put something down. Of course, I usually end up getting distracted by the many other things that could be done on my desktop. Like right now, I've made the mistake of opening up a webcomic in a browser and trying not to be distracted by it. It's funny, though. Yeah.
I think I'll write more tomorrow. Or maybe the next day. No, have to set it tomorrow, otherwise I'll never get around to it. Therapy by prose, so to speak. I'll try to sum up what's been happening in the last couple of months in my life for people who are truly interested in that sort of thing. Then again, I doubt anybody's really reading this after over hundred entries of me being all eccentric-like. Takes a mighty peculiar mind to appreciate that sort of thing, doncha know? Anyway. It's late, this entry should be done and I should be off to bed. By which I mean I'm off to read some webcomics, check some forums and webpages, have a few rounds of solitaire (urgh) and THEN off to bed. Ah, the duplicity of the PC user. Where would human progress be today without it?
