2003-08-10 - 11:34 p.m.
#120: No Need for The Big Move
Note to self: Once again, I am depressed. I find this to be a natural state of mind to gravitate to. So I was resolved to sit down at home and sulk. For reasons that are most likely nothing more than the conjurations of a mind that doesn't get out a lot. Or has a job. Or is unable to speak to pretty girls without nerding out. Or just girls in general. Any member of the opposite sex, really. Just stuck with the prospect of looking out the window and sighing with a lovelorn look for the rest of natural life. But when it gets to my unnatural life, however, I'll bet I'd be a studmeister! And they would all love me and fawn over my depiction as the perfect man! Yes, just you wait and see!
So anyway, the house was sold on July 18th, today's August 10th and we're moving out of New Zealand in just over a month. In just over a month, I'll be leaving behind my current email address, my current home, my current friends and I have to pack away all my belongings into small brown cardboard boxes and tossing away the stuff I don't need or couldn't possibly bring home with me. And in spite of my negative views on New Zealand, I'm actually feeling rather ambivalent about all of this. It's just not fair. I have no idea how it COULD be fair or why it's not fair in the first place, but it just isn't. None of it is fair. It's so unfair I could get angry over it but then I'd be stuck getting angry over something that I wouldn't know what it was not fair ABOUT. Man, this circular logic stuff is really not fair. Maybe I should get angry about circular logic, then? That seems to be a perfectly sensible idea.
(And it was at this point I took a two week break from writing this, to pick it up again after I've had sufficiently numbed myself to the idea I have to move away from a place I've taken root in. Again. Alcohol helps, a bit. In fact, I'm a little high right now, so I think I'm probably going to be a little waxy on grammar, punctuation, spelling and anything that makes me look like I actually know English as opposed to faking it terribly)
I've thought about different ways of breaking this news to my friends in the AAC but I really didn't know how. At least, not without a certain degree of melodramatic flair. I mean, if I have to say this sort of news out loud, I really want to be able to get the mood right.... with sad, melacholy music in the background, somebody dimming the lights a little.... Maybe have a little spotlight to illuminate my features and highlight my ever growing forehead spot. What I'm stuck with is a constant series of unexploited moments because I'm too nervous, the mood changed, or the resident comic relief(s) walked onstage, did their little jig and then walked offstage to the bewildered silence of the audience. I swear, it's like one of those movies/TV shows where the hero has something very important (and obvious) he wants to say to the heroine and disasters keep popping up one after another. Not that I'd actually ever work up the courage to ever say "I'm leaving this country and moving to Australia and I'm probably not ever gonna be coming back until I get an actual job which will be never". When it comes down to the crunch time, I've got a cowardly yellow streak the size of [insert genitalia joke here]. And that's just on Tuesdays.
So I'm here to spread the word that I'm moving to the relatively uncaring people who occasionally read my online journal for a quick laugh. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you *do* care (I mean, you do, right? That one time in the Wendys booth down in the outskirts of the city wasn't a lie, right? right???) but for many online, this change in physical address would mean as little as a change in my email address. This page will always be here (until diaryland.com possibly takes it done. In which case I hope they don't) but for people I know out here in New Zealand, I will no longer be here. I will no longer be here to give them the joyful gift of laughter and merriment by being the constant centre of ridicule and object of shame that is "The Gay Guy", "The Mormon" or "The Gay Mormon". Nor will I be there to partake in all the future events the club might undertake, like cosplay competitions, or events at Armageddon, or happily gathered outtings that they might have. And nor will I be there to see little Timmy take his first baby steps and tumble down the stairs to his gristley and premature doom.... Wait, I don't know a Timmy. But in any case, I won't be there, and that's what's bothering me. I mean, I don't know how everybody else would feel about me leaving, but I feel really hot and flustered by the fact I'm going to be missing out on all that FUN when I leave. If there was a way of making me not care.... Well, I don't know if I'd take the prescribed drug if it were permanent. But temporary solutions like alcohol works just fine for me! Oh lordy, writing this when slightly smashed is more fun than I realised.
Besides, if my guess is right, once people find out I'm going to be moving to Australia, most of my conversations with them would probably go something like this:
"So, you're moving."
"Yes, yes I am."
"That's too bad."
"Yes, yes it is."
"Yeah."
"Yes."
"So how about that Terminator 3, eh?"
"Biggest geek-movie disappointment yet. I mean, Arnie doesn't even SAY 'I'll be back' at ALL in this film! 'She'll be back' and 'I am back don't' count at all. And where was 'Get out' or 'Come with me if you want to live' or some semblance of sci-fi than the first two had rather than just being a no-brainer summer blockbuster action film? I mean, sure it has some moments but most of those are so blatantly fanservice-y they shouldn't even be part of the equation, am I right?"
"Yes, yes you are."
etc. etc. etc.
Which is about what I expect. Concealing their manly (but totally unhomosexual) affection for me with manly, geeky talk. Sometimes it's just so beautiful, these manly bonds that we can develop with male counterparts. I think I'm going to cry. Oh!
(going for my next shot of Midori and Sprite mix, here. Man, if I'm not careful, I could wind up getting addicted to this sort of thing. heh. hic.)
Where was I? Oh yes, going away to Australia. I'm still a tad bit miffed about the whole debacle, but I suppose I'll get over it. I have to, I don't have a choice in the matter. And there's always alcohol to make things go easier if I need it.... actually, we can't ship alcohol back to Australia in the containers, so I'd have to buy my own alcohol. And since I don't have any money, that probably won't be possible. And even if we could ship alcohol in containers, it's going to take 4 weeks to reach Adelaide, Australia. Dangit. I'll need more alcohol now to numb the impending promise of agonising pain over impotent anger. Grah.
What I'm also worried about is any unfinished business I might have. Like the Otaking competition. We managed to have our first one at this years Armageddon but I wonder what's going to happen to subsequent ones, if any? I mean, if they go ahead and organise another one next year without me.... I'd be really, really, really miffed. I'd feel like a star player that's been left out of the last game. Sure, I wasn't the only one who worked on it and I'm most probably overestimating my actual worth to the team development but that's what it feels like. They're going to have the fun, take the praise and I'm not going to be there to bask in it. It's all really egotistical for me to say, but then again, it's been shown time and time again that I am truely an attention whore.
But on the other hand, if they DON'T go ahead and organise another one next year.... I'd still be really, really, really miffed. If you're going to run a competition and announce the fact that it was the "first, annual Otaking competition", then you've got to run with the ball all the way: even if members of the team split off, find other things to be interested in, or are completely replaced by a new set of people. Admittedly, that whole announcement was my fault (heh), but I still stand by my statement and have to add a little axiom of mine, "A little professionalism never killed anyone". Unless you're a professional hitman, but that's a different barrel of monkeys altogether. So I guess it's one of those damned-if-ya-do and damned-if-ya-don't situations. I'm going to be annoyed either way for the fate of next years Otaking competition so.... eh. Maybe I'll plan the Otaking competition overseas and set it up for Armageddon. And maybe devil pigs will fly out from the buttocks of small Maori children everywhere. Maybe, I'll say, maybe.
Like I said before, I'm also worried (well, more disappointed, really) that I'm going to miss all the cool things that's going to happen to the club. Like the current progression of the female population into the ranks of AAC members. Is it possible? Is it true? Can a male dominated anime club that exemplies all that is wrong and evil in the world of male otakus really get more female members? It certainly seems that way for now. Two have been convinced by some kind of divine force that we're actually not ALL that bad and to stick around and two more may be coming in the next meeting. Sure, I shouldn't count the chickens before their hatched, but the reason I brought this up is because one of the girls (Terra, and the other is Amber) likes Tokyo Babylon almost as much (probably more, likely) than I do. But if that were the only thing, it wouldn't make it special (since female anime fans tend to like anything by CLAMP.... even if Tokyo Babylon is a bit old for contemporary fans to know of); no, what makes it special is the fact that she's a fellow amateur voice actor! If I had a more feminine disposition, I'd be squealing with delight right now, so it's lucky I'm not of a feminine disposition. At all.
This revelation all came about thanks to a conversation Fergus and I were engaged in, with Terra and Amber in close proximity listening in and letting us do all our male bonding thing that has a tendency to make female humans look at us sideways out of the corner of their eyes. The talk somehow managed to meander its way into what I was doing in amateur voice acting, before ambling out again to 80s cartoons. And when it was all over she asked, "So how long have you been voice acting?", at which point I told her and she told me she had heard me in some of the things mention and also that she was an amateur voice actor(ess) herself. At this point I started to babble adjectives like "Cool! Awesome! Excellent!" and may have unperturbed her with my enthusiasm. But it IS cool, awesome, excellent and other superlative adjectives. I've met a girl with the same interest in a manga/anime series! The same interest in voice acting! The same hair colour! The same gender! The same-- Okay, not the last part at ALL (I'm a very manly man. And certainly not gay. No matter how many times I wear a purple shirt) and I'd better not continue lest she find this journal, read it, and feel quite compelled to file a restraining order against me.... Which shouldn't matter at all anyway, since I'm GOING TO BE MOVING TO AUSTRALIA IN A MONTH. Gad. Life has dealt some unfair cards to me, damnit. I mean, I haven't really been searching but now I find a member of the opposite sex who's interested in more than one thing I am and now I move away to another friggin' country, fergoshsakes. What makes the situation even more ironic is the fact I actually met her a year ago as the Subaru cosplayer at the Waitakere libraries talk. If I had known then what I found out now.... Well, I wouldn't have been able to do anything because she's underaged, either way. Way to put up the sour grapes, Edwyn. Keep it up and you'll earn yourself a shiny "Luh-SAH!" award. Damnit.
(another shot of Midori and Sprite mix. I think I need it to continue. And I've just run out of Sprite. Those 1.5L bottles are never enough. I'd drink the Midori straight, but I need dilutant, so.... break open another bottle of Sprite! Good thing I didn't have to go to the corner mall to grab one, I don't think I can drive right now. X_X)
And out of all this you know what my biggest worries are (apart from being left out of any future developments that might happen in the Auckland Anime Club)? Forwarding address, forwarding email address and packing things into small cardboard boxes. Seriously. I'm worried about people who might try to get into contact with me (less through physical address, more likely through email) only to find that I'm not there tomorrow. I mean, what are they going to do in that situation? Run a search engine and ask it to find "Edwyn Tiong"? Actually, I admit to doing that several times to boost my own ego. Admittedly the list of pages that actually have my name and any reference to me whatsoever is quite low, and most of the ones that do are actually webpages I've designed but.... Actually it's not really an ego boost at all. What the heck am I talking about? Man, is accessing upper memory registers in the brain difficult right now. But anyway: email address. I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. I'm afraid that people who I might not have contacted in a long time will try to contact me at my edwyn@ihug.co.nz address and I won't be there. Or worse, some OTHER "edwyn" will be there when they take over my address. I'm afraid that I have to contact everybody I know to make sure they know my situation and update my email address accordingly (actually, that's more of a "fear of the tremendous chore"). I'm afraid that I'm going to lose a lot of roles I've managed to garner in AVAing. Admittedly, a lot of them fall apart but for those that don't.... Darnit. I hope I don't get fired too much.
And there's the packing of my personal belongings in small cardboard boxes. I hate it. I've made good (if not wildly efficient) use of the space given to me here, spread my legs and arms and multitudes of anime merchandise to stack over HERE, stand up over THERE, shelve over THATAWAY.... And now I've got to break it all down and stuff them into equal-sized, taciturn little cubes, leaving no space unoccupied in them. There's something highly depressing about this process, and I was hoping I'd never have to do it again after arriving here in Auckland from Adelaide 6 years ago. Admittedly, I was also thinking that I wanted nothing better than to swing around and head back to Australia and get out of this werid and foreign country.... But some things have changed. My circumstances differ from what I had back then. For one thing, I'm now a free-wheeling, out of control alcoholic who's lost count of the exact number of Midori and Sprite mixes he's had! With this, my superlative control over alcohols effect on my person and behaviour is complete! And I'm not about to let this unBELIEVable urge to rock back on forth on my computer chair stop me!
Okay, all my fears and worries aside now (since I've prattled on long enough about how unfair it all is), what I'm looking forward to is.... Wait, I've got one last worry: I need to get rid of.... Stuff. Some stuff. Not a lot of stuff, but some. To make the container a bit lighter and less costly, doncha know? First to go is my old Cyrix P166-133 MHz computer. I don't think anybody would want it as a whole, but I was thinking of splitting it up into bits and pieces and giving it away seperately. Like monitor, modem, soundcard etc. until I'm left with the chassis and some leftover ungiveawayable bits that I hope someone will take in as a free "smash me up good" stress relief toy. And then there's some boardgames which I've NEVER played since coming here to New Zealand, and I doubt I'd play them at all when I get back; so somebody else can take them away from me and play with them, instead. Carting all that back with me is probably going to be deadweight, anyway. There's probably some other stuff too, but I haven't really started looking at what I can/want/have to give away. I suppose that's one way I'm dealing with this move. Denial. I've not only delayed telling this to anybody for three weeks (in fact, I've just posted this as a journal entry, which isn't really telling anybody, anyway. Afterall, they have to come here and actually READ this....) but I've also delayed in my packing. I've done a bit, but then I look at the messes and piles of stuff I have around the room and I think to myself, "They're exactly where I want them to be, on the floor, in my room and in my house. Why should I have to move them?". Ah, good old denial. Like a bottle of Midori and a bottle of Sprite mixed together to bring comfort to this old soul.
OKAY, all my fears and worries aside NOW (and I mean it this time!), what I'm looking forward to is.... Practising my goodbye. I mean, I've thought of several ways I could make an exit. At first, I thought I'd go all Ace Rimmer from Red Dwarf-ish and do a little smirk, stance with my hand on my hip and go "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!" before twirling about (I'll be wearing my flappy black overcoat) and stalking off into the sunset/night. That would be cool if I could be sufficiently cocky about it. And then I thought I'd reference something currently topical, by suddenly walking away from the group without a word (well, maybe a "...." before walking off), and then stopping abruptly, before turning my head to give that "over-the-shoulder" look and saying "I'll be back". And if I could get into the right position beneath a streetlamp, it'd be absolutely damn-smeggingly-perfect.
Yeah, you might think I'm weird for even THINKING that sort of crazy thing, but given that I've been in this club for 4 years or so, I think I deserve some kind of dramatic sendoff. Don't I? O.o I mean, I don't even get to break up in any relationship so that some new character can step in and take over, or save the world in some kind of way that could only be "me". In terms of a send off for a long running cast member, I'm most probably going to be getting jack-all. A situation that is made doublely sure by the fact that on my last weekend in Auckland, most of the AAC members are going to be heading off to the Wellington Armageddon in September 20th - 22nd, and I'm catching a flight out of the country on the 24th. I'd like to have one last little jaunt with everyone down south (a more "proper" send off I think. Like one last fight against evil before getting offed) but considering the tight schedule in the last days of packing house, that's most probably not possible at all.
So more than likely, I'm going to be getting one of those "everybody is too busy to see him off" cast goodbye endings, like one of those episodes of a popular syndicated fantasy/sci-fi show where the guy who's going away has to see all his pals rush off and do their crime fighting bit (or what have you); and then in the end he's all alone in a huge office with piano music playing in the high notes range in the background. He then takes one long look around sand says, "I'm going to miss this place" before stepping out the door and turning off the lights and then the credits would run. I used to like those endings because it seems simultaneously touching and comforting to the viewer at the same time (like, "Yes, he's gone and that's sad, but the adventures will still keep coming!") but now that I have to be that cut cast member I feel a little bit miffed.
I mean, screw the rest of the guys being able to go on after me, what's going to happen to me here? Am I going to get my own spinoff show? Will I get to be the leader of a new group now that I've broken off from the old one (I mean since I carry seniority from the old show, I'd get to be leader over some punk new character with cool flippy moves and stuff right?). And what about guest starring roles, where I come back in a cloud of steam and smoke and say "I be back"? Or maybe I'll come back as an alternate universe me and the team will have to assemble and have to fight their deep feelings as they battle me to save the future as we know it? Or maybe I'll come back as myself AND the evil twin and we have to fight one another and I'll show how wicked cool I've become since I left and at the end I'd go, "I'm sorry, but I have to go now. The universe needs me" and then I'd whoosh off into the sunset and back to my spinoff show? Whoa. Those writers must have been on CRACK to write that.
....
God, I need another shot. I'll feel worse in the morning, but I don't care right now. And I'll stop this entry here. All this typing is starting to wear off my buzz.
