2003-09-03 - 3:07 a.m.
#121: No Need for Clear, Calm Acceptance (And a lot of Denial)
Note to self: Well, I've gone ahead and done the most daring thing I've ever done fashion-wise. I have dyed my hair. It is now a rather charming goldish-orange colour and looks quite nice and natural. Just not on my head. But I think it looks fairly neat, anyway. And the shocked expressions on the faces of people who know me and would never expect me to do something this outlandish and weird is.... a sheer delight. I should do this more often, but I'm only ever doing this once (probably): both for the purpose of the AAC cosplay party and the cosplay competition at the Wellington Armageddon and also to satisfy my own foolish curiosity. Besides, my mother had a fit when I first told her I was going to have this done, but relented after given some time to cool off. She and my father later took me to a Korean restaurant though. Just a little hint.
Well, it's been over three weeks since I wrote my last entry. It's funny, I was so weepy and emotionally off balance when I wrote that (and it wasn't just because of the alcohol flowing in my bloodstream) but after I got it all out and I was dry of all that brimming negativity.... I felt fine. Really, really, smashingly fine. It was cutting away the lead weights that held me bound and allowed me to soar high into the sky on unfettered wings.... Which then came crashing down to earth once I heard the reactions from several people about me leaving and how they really, really, really wanted me not to go and threatened me with actual physical bodily harm if I decided to leave them behind (Zeb and Fergus at the forefront). But after the first week they learned about my move they seemed to accept it, too. Soon, everyone in the Auckland Anime Club (which is my entire world, really. oh dear) was accepting the bad news of my leaving: which I presented as good news, in deference to the fact that the bad news was that I was sufering from a malignant brain tumour and had to go to Australia to be operated on, and that the good news was that all of that was a filthy, dirty lie except for the part about me moving to Australia. And I got them all cold. That was the best bit of acting I've ever done in my entire life. Booyah.
So now, three weeks on from my journal entry, and two weeks on from the point I let everyone I know I was leaving, everything is now perfectly, placidly okay. Thumbs up, no worries. I'm going to be moving away, out of this country in a matter of weeks and everyone is perfectly fine with that. So it is therefore at this point I'm going to have to say: You bastards. How could you? All of you! I haven't even left yet and you've gone through all the three stages of seperation already? What happened to all the weepy tearstreaked faces? I demand honourably manly embraces and confessions of unrequited love from members of the opposite gender! And then, at the airport, all of you will have to burst into the departures waiting lounge and have a lot of heartbreaking scenes and crossed arms of justice and things which hint of ambiguously latent homosexuality! And a drinking party! I deserve to get drunk with all my friends and take embarassing photos of them in various stages of uninhibited behaviour! If these things don't happen, I shall indeed be very, very cross! Why, I might even delay my going until something along the lines of above happens! And rampage wildly causing untold costs in damage! You've all been warned!
Right, so now that I've sent the appropriate people scurrying off feeling all guilty and chastised by my little pep talk, I'm going to go back to what I do best. Talking about me. Oh, I do love talking about me. Especially when I have absolutely nothing to talk about when I talk about me. It's just so me, you know? But anyway: I'm feeling much better now, thankyerverr'muchferaskin' and in the interim weeks from the previous entry until now, I've found out that I would, in fact, be able to attend the Wellington Armageddon Expo. In fact, I was going to stay a whole 2 weeks extra over what I've mentioned before (the international flight leaves on October 8, which is a whole month away and feels that much less.... urgent) so I had that extra time to not panic and get some things done while I still had the time. The first thing I did was book my own flight to Wellington as well as accomadations. I feel fairly proud I could do that by myself. Makes me all glowy inside, like the true acheivement of an adult! Next was transferring a thousand plus dollars out of my savings account into my chequeing account. That too, was a true acheivement of an adult! I was doing stuff that I always assumed only adults could do! And now I was doing them too! That was so awesome and neat!
.... And I've probably made myself a target for "luh-seeeeeeeer" jokes for the next century and a half. I can't help being so sheltered and naive! I was just born into a well-off family and was shuffled off to private education systems with high fees, high academia graduates and low real life experience! Is it so wrong to be this well-off and uncomprehending of how harsh reality operates? Is it, really???
.... I seem to be using a lot of exclamation points for this particular journal entry. I'll try to curb my over-enthusiastic use of said punctuation from this point onwards. Ahem. So anyway, I've booked my own flight and accomadation down south and have even prepared the money for expenses and spending. Most for spending. Although the twitchy urge to spen some of that money RIGHT NOW is quite hard to ignore. After a couple of months living off a hundred bucks or so and mooching off my mother (yeah, yeah, I know, you don't have to patronise me about that. There are many other reasons you could patronise me for), having a thousand just sitting in an accessible account is.... pure, unrelenting torture. In fact, I've already given in once and spent $120 in one sitting on DVDs (! erm. sorry), but I'm resolved that under no uncertain terms that I will stay away from breaking open the piggy until I arrive in Wellington. Which most likely a resolution that's going to be broken thanks to the fact that the event is 3 weeks away and in that time, I have to go out with friends and have to buy birthday gifts. For months when I had no money, there were no birthdays. And now, with cash in my account, three of them come in a row. Fate has a very, very nasty sense of timing sometimes. Most times. All the time, really.
So. The moving. Given the time I've dealt with it, I see now that certain friends (all online ones, ironically enough) were quite right. This is not an ending, this is the beginning of new possibilities. An old setting to be sure (I'm not exactly unfamiliar with Adelaide, Australia) but a fresh new start. My life is in a rut. It has been for the last 2 years. I'm not going anywhere with what I'm doing now, and even if I did manage to find a way to live here, I wouldn't be doing anything. Not productive, anyway. I'm a big dreamer kinda guy, and I want to think that I still have a chance for the big dream if I keep trying to go for it. Not little (and admittedly more practical) dreams like finding a job in Borders, but getting out and be famous for.... something acting related? I guess? Hell, I don't even know if that's possible, and the last time I tried something like this it was for Engineering. And look how THAT ended up. But I've had two years since I quit to think this over.... well, I actually haven't really thought it over that much.... But this is probably my best and last chance to acheive something great for myself. By which I mean going back to Australia to go back to University. And go for the big dream. I could do it here, of course but I think I can do better if I wasn't so.... utterly and completely distracted all the time. This is for the best, I think. And hey, maybe I'll be back in a couple of years after I graduate. And I'll try to visit New Zealand as often as I can, even if I am in another country. And maybe people here will even visit me.... Although since visiting Tokyo or Singapore would yield the approximately same pricetag with more otaku delights to savour, they'd most likely visit those places first over Adelaide. I would. Oh yes, I certainly would.
And that's my current philosophy on the situation in a nutshell. It's inevitable, but at the same time, I believe I actually do want to move away and start afresh. Which is not saying I don't mind living here, it's just.... Convenient to follow my parents right now. And I don't know how to do my own laundry, ironing and cooking yet so I need to train first in Adelaide. Well, comething along those lines, anyway. And it's practical in any case. Pefectly practical and makes complete sense. Of course, I'm like this NOW, but come moving day I'll probably be clawing the furniture and screaming "I donna wanna go!" and be a complete embarassment to my immediate family. I probably won't be able to do even that, as by the time I come back from the Wellington trip, all the boxes of stuff that was my room would be packed and stuffed into a giant container. Now my eyeball is twitching at the possibility that something horrid will happen to the container. I sincerely wish this not to happen. I don't even want to think about it happening. Then why am I thinking about it happening? Don't I know that I possess some of the worst luck on this planet, and therefore should not dwell on such negative thoughts? What am I THINKING? Gah. Stupid dwelling brain. I'm suddenly reminded of this strange dream I had recently about the Wellington trip.... In which I decided, after arriving and attending the first day of the expo, to go back to Auckland so I could drop off the stuff I bought on the first day and make my baggage lighter. And then I found I couldn't go back because.... Well, because it was a return trip, not a one way and return trip, so I would have missed the rest of the con. But then I deicded on a drastic plan of action and demanded my mother and I drive down to Wellington so I could go to the last day of events. What came of that, I don't know, because I woke up. I hope that's not a premonition of some kind. It seemed so vivid and I was so absolutely engrossed in the proceedings that I didn't even think to myself, "This is a dream. You are not normally this stupid in real life. Normally. Wake up now.". I wish my vivid dreams were more fantastic. Dreaming about a convention you're going to attend? That's just sad.
I'm so scatterbrained nowadays that I've actually made up a list of things I need to do before the month is out and I leave this country. Some of them are more important than others, but I just wrote them down in whatever order my brain decided to share them with me. For some reason, unless I write things down, I have a hard time remembering what tasks I have to do (is it a sign of growing old? urk).
Leave instructions on "Who Wants to be an Otaking?" Competition I feel abandoning it just as it got its first legs seemed to be too harsh, so I'm going to plan for next years competition in Auckland. Sure, it might seem a little obsessive to plan for something that you're not going to be around for, but it started off as my little pet project that burgeoned into this semi-official event at a major pop culture expo and I may as well see it through. Besides, if things go my way, I may decide to take that weekend off from Australia and head over to New Zealand just to house the competition. Obsessive? As mentioned before: yes. Things I need to tweak are: difficulty, more dynamic scoring and the ability for players to run through all the questions rather than "one strike you're out". I'll also need to organise the "stage effects" a bit more, especially in terms of lighting. Doing the competition in total darkness at this years Armageddon was a bad idea. Also need to work out a suitable punishment for people who shout out answers. Well, that's just the start of what needs to be worked out, anyway.
Get record of academic study record and curriculum information from University which was something that was pointed out by EB. I should probably get a transcript of what I've completed and my grades (no matter how horrid they turned out to be) in order to present to the University of Adelaide in case they ask for it. Best be prepared while I still have the opportunity to fix things up here.
Transfer possession of Old Computer I've found someone willing to put it with its slowness (and I actually got it to work! Hurrah!) and use it as a business machine. Seong from the Graphic Novel Cafe (which the AAC seems to inhabit as a second body) agreed to put up with it for absolutely free. Excellent. That's one piece of excess baggage out of the way, in any case.....
Enquire about email/homepage account basically how to keep my email and homepage address long after I've left New Zealand. I'll probably need to chuck in credit so they don't close it down and throw away all my details before I'm settled in Australia.
Write Journal Entry Well, this is pretty self explanatory.
Get my stuff back from Kunfei and Zeb Also self explanatory. Grr.
Start packing my stuff into boxes For someone who's apparently as resolved as I am to go through with moving to Australia, I haven't actually done as much packing as I hoped. My room is still a big pile of unsorted stuff. A lot of it I'm leaving to the packers to put away (they do that sort of thing nowadays? And to think I had to pack my own stuff back then) but there are a lot of smaller knick-knack type items that I just have to put away myself. I would just feel safer handling them, that is to say. Though to be honest, if given the choice, I'd probably try putting my entire room away by myself. But the shipping company we're with hasn't given us enough boxes to even attempt that option.
Start packing for trip to Wellington/Australia What's really annoying about this is, since I'm coming from Wellington back on the day the packers are in full force, I won't have time to repack my stuff for the flight to Australia. So I'll have to pack my luggage in such a way that it's both for Wellngton AND Australia. Which means hardly any room for merchandise I'd pick up in Armageddon. I sure hope the shipping company we're with is the same one that'll allow us to board flights with extra weight.... Cause it's probably gonna be a doozy.
And I've said all I wanted to say in this entry. It's early morning and I'm going to bed while it's still dark out. Night.
