2001-04-25 - 7:04 p.m.
#49: No Need for Idleness Part Two
Note to self: Well, I think it's about time I stopped ignoring my journal writing, don't you? Only 1 more post to the 50th! ^_^
Well, it's Wednesday afternoon, going unto Wednesday evening and it's been an entire week since I wrote my last entry. The last entry was all about me not really concentrating on my university work, and how all the deadlines were closing in on me. Two pieces of work: One major, one not so. One counts for barely one percent and is due this Friday. The other is worth 33%, with the report due on Monday week and the live demonstration sometime on that week. I received the first about 4 weeks ago, and the major project further back than that, implying that the first is worth 4 weeks of work and so forth.
I still have not started on either of them. The first I'm not so worried about, I can skimp on it fairly easily. The second on the otherhand.... If I skimp on that, I fail not only myself but also my project partners with me. Or maybe not. There's an evaluation form that students take afterall, that indicates how much work they feel each student has done. Hmmm. I guess I fail either way then.
I'm tired. I just want to crawl into bed and just forget about the world for a while. And I would be betting you're tired too, reading about my complaints all the time. I should just rebound like I always do. I mean, I always leave things to the last minute and I always manage to pull something (usually out of my ass) that resembles work that earns me a passing mark. Not anything close to being respectable but.... adequate. Yanno. But here we are, it's way past the last minute and I have in my hands a whole lot of zero. I've just shut down, again, like I did almost six months ago when I stopped going into university and basically failed all my papers for that semester.
And I don't like failing. In fact I loathe it. I hate failing, and I hate myself for failing and I hate myself for hating myself for failing. Basically it's an ever increasing outward spiral of hate. I was going to include a joke here but I forgot it, so you're going to have to make up your own. Anyway, failing is bad. Period. But I have a feeling I'm going to be revisitng it again by the time the end of this semester comes. Failing means I screw up my parents retirement money. It means he has to dip into what is meant to be set aside for his and moms twilight years in order to support me. AGAIN. I'm not doing him any favours by failing, and he's dangerously close to retirement age, plus his eyesight is starting to get worse. Hereditary cataracts is a bitch. But even with all these big reasons set up against me NOT to fail, I just can't get one thought out of my mind: I'm not sure I want to be an engineer anymore.
Goddamn me. Stupid, stupid rat creature. You'd think I'd have figured it out sooner, wouldn't you? I mean, it took me three years of my fathers money to finally think aloud, "Hmmmm, you know, engineering may not be my forte". Shows how rigid my mind is, don't it? Ergh. 3 years, currently on my fourth year, and a tentative 2 more years to go if I want to graduate with an engineering degree. Do I really want to spend another 3 and a half years on this? Can I concentrate long enough so I wont act up and play silly buggers with my fathers money like this? All signs point to "No". It may seem to be a BIT of an overreaction to just a year of failure but bear with me, this sort of thing has never happened to me before. I was a fairly good student in my school years and managed to carry this onto the first 2 years of university.... Then when it came down to the nitty gritty in the third year, my mind just exploded into little, tiny, tiny, tiny (and some more "tiny"s) fragments of Edwyn brain.
I'm not interested in programming in C. I'm not interested in designing circuits and circuitboards. I'm not interested in making robots move. I don't even know the technical term for that. Oh, I'm interested in them in a GENERAL sense.... Like a "Oh, I know how to do things on a technical level that mere plebians would not even begin to comprehend!" kinda interest. But as soon as I get into the particulars, I realise that I'm less like that super genius and more like the plebians I described in that short speech. -_-;;;; Oh, and I don't really like working with strangers, since that appears to be a major part of engineering as well: To be thrown into a group of people you don't know and be forced to work on an important assignment together. Call me a prude, but I prefer to get to know people first before I decide we should get stuck into the creative processes that make the whole thing go "tick". You get the picture. I'm just plain not happy.
But.... 3 years of money has already gone into this. Am I really going to throw it all away on what might be considered a stress related whim? Maybe I'm just thinking all this because it was suggested to me by some friend of the family. Maybe I'm just being silly. It could be that once these assignments are over and handed in I'll wake up and realise that I'm wrong and I should just stick to it. Afterall, the worst times to make a major decision is when you're under a lot of pressure, right? So I should hold it off until then. Right?
But if I'm really not happy, and I fail again.... And I quit for real.... Well, what then? It's not as if I'm good at anything else. Or interested in anything else. I don't really have any dreams or passions for my future, all I care about is my present. Reason why I'm failing, I guess. I don't look far ahead enough to see the big picture and understand that one day, something WILL come out of all of this. And that if I don't seize that opportunity now, to study hard and walk away with a job secure degree, I'll regret it for the longest time. Hmmm.
Hmmm, this entry turned out to be a lot more different than I'd previously envisioned. I was going to go through some more self-pity style passages and end it with a note that I was going to go off and see how long it takes to hit the ground after jumping from the top of the Skytower (or, errr.... not). Maybe it's because I took a break halfway through to have a good cry. Everything seems better after you've wept like a woman. Even without the breasts of bodybuilder Bob (say that 5 times fast). *sighs* I guess I'll go away and thing about it some more.... Not so incidentally putting me even more behind work.
Set an appointment for a meeting with the therapist some time next week. Didn't get a "reinvite" until sometime this week. After the first project is finished and failed. Nice timing, I guess. Let's see what he has to say about the state of my studies. O.o
