2001-04-30 - 6:48 p.m.
#50: No Need for Idleness Part Final
Note to self: Well this is my 50th entry. w00p. I was hoping to have something superspecial here to celebrate, but I guess that'll have to wait until the 100th entry, or something. That's when I'll put in something special in this journal! Or maybe not, as the entries seem to be passing by slowly. O.o
This'll probably be my last entry on my studies, I hope. Since I've more or less taken the first steps towards destroying my future as an engineer by not bothering to work on the 33% project. Actually it wasn't so much "taking" that step, as it was choosing the path of least resistance. What constitutes more work? Actually doing it. What constitutes less work? Not doing it. I'm seriously hoping that this isn't the only reason why I chose not to do the project, but it's by far the more obvious one compared to the "I am a tortured student soul who wants to escape the confines of his rigid lifestyle" reason I put up in the previous entry. All I have to do now is withdraw my papers and then I'm done. I'm out of it. Or at least I think so. All I really want to do is just get out of engineering, that's all I can really think about right now. As for what the future holds, I dunno. I'm not sure if I'm disciplined enough to HAVE a bright future. Possessing brains is one thing, but possessing the ability to work hard is something else entirely.
I'm making a mistake, backing out is the WORST thing I could do.... All I'm doing is running away to something else new that one day I'll also run away from because I feel tired of it. The period that I actually do enjoy is the running away. The work means nothing to me, it's just something that interrupts my fun that I find in hiding from my responsibilities. And I run away so hard that I can't bear to look at work because it just seems.... wrong. I can't have fun while working can I? Work is work and fun is fun. If work is fun, then I fall so far behind in it that it becomes more like its work origins. I run away and do fun things, but I can't really enjoy it unless I keep running. The run always ends with going back to university or getting back to work, so I extend the running period, I find something else to distract me from my fate. Each time the finish line closes in I extend it more and more, until finally the deadline for the assignment I was supposed to submit passes and I feel, for a moment, utterly free. God, I'm stupid. I should just get the work over and done with or done in small increments at a time so, over time, I can get it finished and still have time to have fun. But no. Not one for time management am I. Procrastination is the key. Besides, I always screw up whatever schedules I set for myself because I can't take orders from myself seriously enough.
What can I do for work that's just as fun as the things I do when I run away? This is probably the only way I can keep myself in line and support myself for the future. Is there any such work out there that could possibly keep me interested, and interested long enough so that I can become attached to it? Maybe I was working towards that in engineering.... Maybe if I had really put my nose to the grindstone instead of just wafting through the courses, I could have really gained a love for my papers. I mean, it seems like everybody else in the engineering block appears to be having fun. Why am I so special that everytime I enter the engineering building, I suddenly develop stomach cramps from worry that I'm not good enough to be there? That I'm out of my intelligence bracket? Maybe if I studied hard enough, I would have been able to up my own chances for success. But then again, maybe I wouldn't. Maybe there really wasn't anything there to try hard for. Maybe I didn't really care at all. But if I don't care, then why am I talking about it? I must place some significance upon it if I keep thinking about it.
Grue. I hope all the above makes sense. I seem to be half asleep at 5PM in the afternoon, and I don't know why. Urgh. Headspinny. Of course, all this speculation could be for moot since I haven't actually told my parents about this yet. They could quite easily order me to go back into the fray. I hope not. I'm not sure I could face being the same class as the project group I let down with my absence. I'm not sure if I can stand being in the same CITY. I screwed them over badly by not doing my side of the project. I hope they pass anyway, they deserve to with the work they put in. This kind of event does not bode well for my reliability in future major decisions of any kind. Perhaps its best that way, I don't really do that well in teams. The only person I ever really think about is me, so it's better if I work alone so that the only person I have to work for is myself. It's not exactly the best thing one can say about ones self, but it's the truth; I don't really think about other peoples feelings unless I'm prompted to, I just like to get my own way no matter the expense of whoever. Had a lot of "foot in mouth" episodes because of that, but those are stories for another time.
Anyway, tangent time over. I need to find a way to phrase my predicament to my parents so that they'll sympathise with my laziness. I mean, my tormented being, that which I call myself, which cries out to be set free from the torments of university. My prepared speech goes like this, "Mother. Father. Please don't disown me. Please." repeated several times over at varying volumes and pitches. Oh sure, there'll be other things in there as well, like, "I'm not happy being an engineer", "I want to be something different", "You never loved me anyway you never got me that puppy I wanted for Christmas and I hate you!" and so forth, but the main gist would be those seven little words up there. Everything hinges on me convincing them that I know what I'm doing by backing out of a half finished engineering degree. I don't, of course, but I've been told I'm quite the drama king from one of my cousins. Actually, she called me the drama QUEEN for my one time hysterical scream back when I was still in Adelaide, but that's besides the point. I just need to be able to voice my concerns properly and not suddenly freeze up in the moment. Or at least, I would voice those concerns.... if they were currently here.
See, I'm siting here, currently quite alone, in the big house in Auckland that I call "home". My father is hardly here, of course, he has to work back home in Malaysia because that's where he set up his law business and he's loath to leave it. This usually leaves my mother and I to take care of the house here, (well, mainly my mother does the work, but I'm here as the token "man of the house". Of sorts) but currently she's away on a trip to Canada with my grandmother who has some business there to attend to. This leaves me with the entire house to myself for the next two weeks, and not so incidentally letting me off the collar about reporting my sudden dissent (well, from their point of view. they don't know anything is wrong yet, because I haven't told them) with my studies in university. Sure they ring occasionally to check up on me, but somehow I'm not sure if I can relay such news over the phone. I mean, what can I really say? The cheesy "Mom/Dad, you'd better sit down, I have something to tell you"? That's the sorta line you only use if you're about to tell them your sexual orientation has deviated from the norm! Mind you, there are some pretty boys out there who cause me to turn my head occasionally but that's only because nobody told me they're male until much later. Okay, enough tangent time.
So, I have the entire house to myself. It's kinda freaky. My mother has been away on trips before, but never for this long, so I'm not sure how she'd react to the current state of the house. Oh sure, I'll clean it all up by the time she comes back (with grandma in tow. first time she's been in Auckland to see our house. And I'm talking about my grandmother on my mothers side of the family not fathers side) but if she were here right now.... Boy, she'd have a fit. Let's start with the entrance way. The grass is getting a bit on the longish side now and needs cutting veeeery soon or else the whole place is going to be infested with weeds. Enter the house and she'd notice that all the windows are closed and the curtains drawn. I like being cool and in the dark, but she prefers to air the house every so often and open the curtains to give a friendlier atmosphere. I admit, her way makes the rooms of the house look much nicer and inviting; but she isn't here right now and I'm not expecting any company so I'm gonna make the whole house as dustchoked and bordered up as my room. ^_^ I haven't given this place a good dusting in.... ever.
She'd note all this as she looks to her right in the entrance hallway, as well as the fact that there are dustbunnies the size of real life bunnies on the carpeted areas. If she were to look to her left, she'd notice that the small room normally reserved as a small library/old (crap) computer room/coats room has the beginnings of this years AAC Cosplay Party costume, but I'll just quietly close off that room so that no naughty little sightseers can have a peek. Tsk, tsk, tsk! ^_^ AFter all that, the next thing she'd begin to notice is.... the smell. Marching into the kitchen (and also noting how sticky the tiled floor feels.... evidence of too many sweaty footprints and frying with oil, and not enough mopping) she'd see a stack of clean plates and dishes.... But that is a mere illusion. Those plates and dishes were the ones she had set to dry before she left and hadn't yet been put away. Past that is the MOUNTAIN that I haven't cleaned up yet, a backlog of dirty dishes, pans and cutlery spreading to last week when she left, which probably breaks some sort of health regulation. Or two. Or maybe even three or more. ^_^ She'd probably throw a wobbly at that point.
And then she'd notice the OTHER smell. Namely me. In terms of bathing I'd like to think I'm fairly all right. I mean, I do it at least 3 times a week. One time, I even tried only once a week, and was still fairly fragrant free. ^_^ But my clothes on the otherhand.... Well, let's just say that if I lifted my shirt front to my nose, I could tell what I had for dinner 3 nights ago. I could probably even suck the remnants of the taste out of it too. Hold on.... Mmmmm.... Steak and veggies. This situation is, of course, unacceptable to my mother. And then there's what I actually HAVE for dinner which will be troubling to her. She cooked up some fine meals which she put in the freezer for me to eat while she was away, all wrapped up in neat little tinfoil or placed in little freeze proof plastic containers. But what do I have? the stuff that she bought as a last resort for me to eat, pizzas, chicken nuggets, chips and so forth. Most tskworthy action on my part. All of which add up to the conclusion that I am VERY glad she isn't here to see this right now. Plus, it means I can throw whatever tape I want into the VCR without fear of my mother barging me and catching me in the middle of the throes of my personal ecstasy. You know what I mean. That embarassing moment where you're stuck in midstroke and you're not sure how you can explain yourself. God, if anyone were to catch me doing it.... I'd probably just die. But it's so goddamn addictive! I mean, once you see Terrance and Phillip start singing "Uncle F**ka" in the South Park movie, you just HAVE to join in dancing and singing, don't you? Ahem.
Still.... It's kinda weird being all alone in this huge house. I mean, I hardly use any of the space it provides beyond my bedroom. I bet up to 85% of my waking life at home is spent in my bedroom, with me coming out only to eat and go to university. And in terms of eating, sometimes I carry the food to my room. I mean, if the computer is your major source of entertainment, you don't even need a TV. O.o But ever since my mom left, I've been... venturing outside more and more. Now, I freely eat in front of the TV while watching my tapes of the first 7 episodes of Tenchi Muyo OAV (oh, what jolly fun they were). Now, I have to go outside to actually cook my meals instead of waiting for them to be done by my mother. Now, I have to move around a lot so that it makes it appears there are more people in the house. I even put the alarm on before I go to bed. It's amazing the absence of just one person to the household can make it seem so... different. O.o
Anyway.... Spent too long on this entry and got completely off course. -_-;;;; I hope to solve my problems very soon.... And when it is solved, you'll hopefully never hear about it ever again. Except for maybe me complaining about how I should have stayed because my new life sucks. Which I hope it won't. *sighs* I notice this entry exceeds my last longest one by a good 4K or so. I guess this entry really is pretty special for a 50th one. Well, it should be, considering the amount of time I slacked on this diary. Oh well. Tomorrow I think I'll start writing regularly again, since that threat of the project has blown completely over my head and I can think and write straight now. Wasn't willing to write too much in my diary before because I thought that'll just affirm my wasting of my time. Well that time is past now.... Not much help for it at this point, I guess.
