2001-05-15 - 8:06 p.m.
#59: No Need for More Depression
Note to self: In regards to the rats (or perhaps just one rat) in the house.... We bought the traps on Saturday afternoon, caught one on Sunday evening, and disposed of the body by Monday morning. Actually, it was my mother who disposed of it, considering my delicate and cowardly countenance and all. ^_^ Traps have been set again in case there's a second one, but so far it looks unlikely. We'll see the next morning though, and also with the telltale SNAP! during the twilight hours. That sound's very distinctive amongst the cricket chirps and the house settling in the cool.
Hrrrrmmm.... Pretty soon it's going to be semester end exams for a lot of students around Auckland. Thinking mostly on the people in the University who are trying to cram both last minute assignments with early, proactive study; all this along with tests set on the very last week of the semester (no, not the final exam) to give students a general idea of what to expect for the real examination. A fair enough idea, but one that doesn't ease pre-exam jitters any. In fact, the final exams period starts approximately 3 weeks after this one, including the one week break for study. And I'm.... Well, I guess I'm out of it. I haven't been attending lectures, not even since my mother came back, I've just been sitting in the local library reading the usual "university time" away. Besides, even if I restarted attending university now, I'd never be able to catch up with all the work.... Actually now that I think about it, it's pretty amazing how damn quickly we go through all the material. I mean, looking at the size of some of the bundled handouts you'd expect them to last a whole semester, or at least half of it, and we go through it in a mere week. Or two. Well, anyway some small number.
So now that I'm out of that rat race, I guess I should be feeling rather happy with myself. Ecstatic, in fact. No more university for me (for a while anyway)! But.... All I've really done is trade my uselessness for not being able to do a job right, to a uselessness for not doing ANY job. To be honest with myself I'm still in the same boat, I've just switched from one end to the other. I'm still running away, complaining about my adequacies; I just don't have my parents pay for me to have that privilege right now. Well, that's a plus I guess. It'll be even more of a plus if I can manage to make money off of it. O.o University was not the cause of my feeling downtrodden. I simply thought that way because it seemed to be the most likely reason. Afterall, who could feel inadequate if he was allowed to do his own thing, instead of going through an academic institution? Instead of being stuck on the straight and narrow, he'd suddenly have a wide expanse of choices to him, to make his own life. Who would feel inadequate with his own fate in his or her hands? Well, I do. I can live my own life now and what have I been doing about it? I think the answer is pretty obvious, but just to clarify: Zip.
I've been presented with an opportunity to do something.... And I am doing nothing to acheive it. At least when I was in university I was busy slacking off to work. That's SOMETHING, even if it's just plain stupidity. O.o Now I'm just slacking off to.... nothing. And that highlights just how little I really care about my life and others who may be affected by my decisions. I'm..... I'm really hopeless. I made the decision to quit from my daily routine of university.... And now I want back in? It's true that I haven't cancelled my courses yet (just a quick modification of certain details using the universitys online enrollment system: nDeva and then I'm done) but like I mentioned above it's a little late to be wanting to reaffirm my goal of becoming an engineer. I guess it all stems from my "any" wants. I want to be anything, anyone and anywhere but here. That's not a really productive mindframe.
I'll.... Get out of the house tomorrow. Best thing to do really. Get some fresh air and get rid of this depressed mood. Maybe even do something productive, though I seriously doubt that. Heh, I'm really that shallow.... Doesn't take much to get me out of a funk, really. Besides, I'd better get out before my grandmother drives me crazy. It's not that she does it on purpose, it's just that she.... Well, this is going to sound REALLY picky but.... She keeps coming into my room. I mean, walking in and out. Of my room. And TALKING to me. Saying "encouraging" things to me about how I was going to walk away from university with a degree. I know all that sounds innocent enough but.... But.... Just because my door is open doesn't mean you can wander in here any time you feel like it, damnit! Urgh.... I hardly know her! I'm related to her, but that doesn't mean I know her that well. And it certainly doesn't mean she's allowed in here all the time. It's just.... It's really disturbing my karma and fortress of solitude, it is. But she's leaving in a week, so I guess I should be nice.... Oh for this week to be over.... I'll just leave it at that, I think.
