2001-05-16 - 10:05 p.m.
#60: No Need for A Dungeons and Dragons Movie
Not to myself: I'm probably going to regret this since everytime after this someone else has a birthday I'll have to respond in the same way, but.... (gosh, that's a long run on sentence without commas, ain't it?) HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLARA! You've cheated Death out of one more year and as a reward the stakes just plain get higher! ^_^ And even if you feel old and crotchety, remember that some people have a couple of years headstart on you! Like me, with four years. And I even wear glasses, which should earn me points in the crotchiness factor! Wait, maybe that's not a thing to be proud of. @_@ Oh well, time to mark up my calender for other birthdays I should remember....
Well, I went to the city, which seemed to improve my mood.... I guess. Maybe going to see the Dungeons & Dragons movie out of blind, naive curiosity wasn't such a good idea. I think my mother already suspects my choice in University attendance, or my father has already told her. Hmmm. I wonder if this saves me the trouble of telling her? I guess I'd better just in case.... After my grandmother leaves. Trip to town was mainly an excuse to pick up the third in the Harry Potter book series, which is a damn fine read if I do say so myself. And I do. I only got into it very recently, and wished I had gotten into this charming series earlier. Rowling's prose reminds me of a less mean Roald Dahl. Only slightly less, mind you. But she still gives the protaganist a tormented childhood that is more amusing than it is disturbing.... Well the way it's WRITTEN makes the painful childhood memories more amusing than disturbing, anyway. O.o
Anyway, enough about Potter. Most of my trip to the city was spent in the cinema, which was for some unfathomable reason completely unair conditioned.... Which made the viewing of Dungeons and Dragons even less of an enjoyable experience than it already was. It was a pretty awful film, I had to admit; I'd read the reviews and somehow thought that I'd be able to get some measure of entertainment. I mean, Mortal Kombat and Blade scored fairly low all around and yet they were entertaining in their own way, so the reviewers can't always be right. Well they were dead right here. The movie made me feel that The Phantom Menace was a far, far superior film. And I don't mean just special effects, I mean EVERYTHING, even the cockneyed storyline and the twists that weren't. And what struck me most about the film was its sheer mediocrity. For a film that sweeps through a myriad of colourful locations, with quests of daring and a plucky band of heroes to do them, it's a big, BORING film. The sets and costumes look like sets and costumes, and don't generate the feel of a real, breathing fantasy world. About the only guy who's dressed well is the hero (whose name I've forgotten but seems to be a distant cousin to the Child of Bhaal from Baldurs Gate if anyone has played that. You know, the "chosen one whose true potential is yet to be awakened" type of thing) and he's only in that getup in the last few minutes of the movie. But the elf womans chestplate was admirably.... well rounded. Rowrl. Look at the mammaries on that.
And for those of you looking for D&D references, don't bother. It looks like whoever wrote this just took ELEMENTS from the game he or she thought were interesting and mashed them into the plot at various points as a rather obvious deus ex machina. Were it not for the presence of dragons, one lone beholder and a mindflayer (kinda) this would be unrecognisable to those schooled in the arts of D&D. And for those unconvinced, the fact that a low level mage can cast a teleport spell right near the start of the movie is a bit suspect, doncha think? Admittedly however, the final party setup is a slight tongue in cheek reference to the weird kind of adventuring parties one can get: A dwarven fighter, an elven ranger AKA backup fighter, a human mage and two human thieves. Guess which one is the expendable party member? O.o Only oversight was some kind of cleric and a bard.... Bards seem to get left on the wayside in fantasy films like this. I want to see a spoony bard!
So in conclusion: boring movie. It's not worth sitting through to watch even the conclusion which involves a lot of dragons fighting each other and the plucky band of adventurers making their final stand against an arch nemesis they haven't even SEEN until that last 10 minutes of the film. By that time you'd be so bored by the characters, the plot, the lack of focus that the fact that they're fighting means very little at all. If taken out of context, the fight would be KINDA, MAYBE cool, I guess.... But sitting through the one and a half hours to get there is a slow lingering death. Let's hope that Steve Jacksons vision of Lord of the Rings doesn't fall into this pitfall of mediocrity.
Hmmm.... I can't believe I managed to fill this entry with a small review of Dungeons & Dragons, which will more than likely make people go see it anyway cause they want to see if the film really IS that boring. It is. Please. Spare yourself the pain. I've already said The Phantom Menace is better than this. If that doesn't convince you, maybe I should compare it to Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Actually MK:A is just a liiiiiiiiiiiiittle worse. But just a little. @_@ Okay, I stop now.
