2001-09-13 - 12:34 a.m.
#89: ....
Well. Today certainly put things into perspective didn't it? One minute, just wondering how I was going to waste time tomorrow, and the next, wondering just how much time left I HAVE to waste. And all it took was the destruction of the Twin Towers and the reduction of the Pentagon to a Quadrangle to make that line of thought click. Funny how humans work, eh?
This isn't real. This CAN'T be real. This sort of thing just DOESN'T happen. Oh, I'm sure sometime in the future people will pour over the history books and non and murmur amongst themselves that what happened today is an established fact.... But the fact that it's happening right NOW where I am available to hear, see and absorb it all as "current events": THAT is what terrifies me. This couldn't have happened. It's all a big joke, isn't it? Well the Palestinians are certainly treating it as such.... But it's a joke in the end, isn't it? Some massive hoax cooked up to give us all a good scare, a good laugh, and then go on as if nothing happened.... That.... That is the untruth cooked up in my brain to seperate me from what has happened. It HAS happened, but sometimes I'm glad we game players and anime watchers are reputedly unable to distinguish between what is real and what isn't. It's a convenient excuse to believe that my brain is currently high from watching too many Hollywood action movies and is causing hallucinations in my hemocampus.
But it's funny, isn't it? I mean, not funny. Insane. It's like I feel like laughing at the enormous impossibility of it all and the incongruity of the worlds largest nation brought to its knees by a single well planned act of terrorism. It just shatters all the illusions of peace we have (or had) about the world.... I mean sure there are conflicts all over the world that have caused millions more casualties then what has been incurred in New York; but it's always felt like those conflicts were somewhere over THERE. Away from the big cities and populated areas, away from the suburbs and the schools and the hospitals and everything. Always in the jungle, or in the desert, or in the ruins of some old ghost town. But now the damage has been done to someplace that feels, in many ways, closer to home. I mean, America is an ocean away and they're all still morons for putting a redneck hillbilly in charge of the worlds largest stockpile of nuclear weapons (sorry to all Americans who are reading this, but it's true.... Having a militarily aggressive President just doesn't work, at all); but we're talking about a cowardly attack on a busy suburban/city area. A city area not unlike the one I'm living in right now, in fact. Or millions of other people around the world. All living in huge, comforting metropolises that are about as ready for urban combat as a large target with the note "Hit me!" stuck to it. It's just unreal. It hits too close to home. Just too close. It's like (if you're a guy) empathetically wincing when seeing a man get kicked in the balls. Sure it's not happening to you, but it COULD happen to you: and you FEAR it. I'm not sure if there's an example that could be applied to women....
"Where was I when it happened?" That seems to be a common question going around, it seems. I shall record the events leading up to and including the point I discovered that two popular landmarks in America had vanished. I'm not sure if I'll be able to reach an age where I'll look back at this entry with fond (I suppose) memories.... Heck even if I did, diaryland would probably be replaced with a datacube to effectively store all of ones memories for the past twenty four hours and filed away into a library where they could be retrieved and relived at any point in time. So I wouldn't be bothering myself with READING my past. But anyway, I think I'll get some of this stuff down.
Tuesday evening was another Auckland Anime Club night at the ACE, showing the last few episodes of Trigun, an animated series about a pacifistic man who tries to resolve conflicts without any bloodshed or, more importantly, the death of anyone in either party. Somewhat of an irony that. We went to the city after the viewing, browsing in the Borders bookstore (and skipping into the Childrens section under Zebs guidance). After that, we skipped into Burger King for a late night meal, then into the arcade beneath for a while, and then Kunfei started to drop home those of us who regularly got lifts from him. First was Josh where we stayed for a while, JP talking about going into flatting on his own with Josh and one other in the future, Kunfei telling some horror flatting stories (with JP contributing a few of his own) and me rummaging through Joshs anime collection and coming away with a pile of stuff. Basically small talk, really. Somehow all talks become minute when compared to the events aftewards. After a while of talking, we left Joshs place around 1:30AM and dropped JP off at his place (after a quick shoparound in the local Starmart). After that, we went over to Kunfeis to pick up (of all things) a pen. One single pen allowed us to catch a glimpse of history in real time and at the exact moment it happened (more or less).
When we went in the house, Kunfei noted that his mother was still up watching television and thought that she was doing so just out of idle boredom. Seconds after we retrieved the Pen (capital "P" there), his mother come out and we were ushered into the TV lounge where we watched in slack jawed astonishment and horror as CNN continued its breaking news forecast from the events occuring not an hour ago in New York city. It was simply unbelievable. We simply stood there for half an hour watching the news as it broke live in front of us. We saw the repeated footage of the smoldering first tower and the second passenger plane that came out of (what looked like) nowhere, disappeared into the second tower and explode out of the otherside of the building. We saw the repeated footage of the first tower collapsing, and then we saw in real time: the second tower collapsing and raising tons of dust and debris into a huge dust cloud that advanced through the streets like a storm cloud set at ground level. Through a TV, it was merely horrifying and looked like a Hollywood special effects sequence brought to life. But for the people there, it would probably have been all that and MORE. God.... It was all happening. In the end that's the only way I can describe it: it was ALL happening. I can't define "all", and I can't define exactly why it was "happening" but that's what it looked and felt like.
But now, here I sit at 12AM New Zealand time, nearly 24 hours after the first plane flew into one of the Twin Towers. I'm still alive. I find that both amazing and incredibly funny at the same time. In an instant, thousands (or maybe tens of thousands) lost their lives simply because they decided to go to work that morning; and I didn't do anything and I'm still here. It happened over THERE I know, but still.... What WOULD I do if I knew that today was going to be my last day alive? No, I better not think about it. That sort of thinking just leads to trouble. And I doubt I could really think coherently right now anyway. I'm still in a state where I think I'll wake up at any moment and find out that nothing happened and absolutely everything is back to normal. Is that really too much to ask? To wind back the clock, somehow save everyone who was involved and then.... And then.... I don't know. God, why would I say this? I didn't even THINK about the casualties until now! I'm just floating.... I think I'll stop here.
No, wait. I think I'll finish this entry with the lyrics to Duncan Shieks Barely Breathing here. That song kept running through my head after watching the CNN report at Kunfeis house, for some reason. I don't think the lyrics entirely work but the rhythm of the song and everything.... I don't know, it seemed to choose the mood.
Barely Breathing
I know what you're doing, I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn
Well it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born
There's not much to examine, there's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious if you have to ask me why
I say good-bye...
'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
Everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can't figure out
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change?
'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I've come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?
I rise above
Or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please don't come and go
'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
