2001-10-23 - 11:43 p.m.
#93: No Need for More Self-Indulgent Rambling
Note to self: Cookie dough ice cream, cookie dough ice cream, COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM! *sniffs* Why can't I find any? Not fair. Pooooooot. SUPERMARKETS ARE AGAINST ME! >.< *fury fist fighting!* WOOLWORTHS NO BAKA!
Well, I got another talk about the state of my possible future, but this time in a "man to man" talk with my father (with him talking and me listening). He didn't exactly say anything new, but at the same time I listened more closely to him than I do to my mother when she has these talks simply because I don't hear him say this sort of stuff to my face to often. The fact that a lot of the material was so depressingly familiar reflects poorly on the severe lack of progress I've made in terms of securing a place for myself in the future. I really don't want to write out everything that was said because I've written about them before and I didn't do anything at all to act on them. I just stay exactly the same. I'm just going nowhere fast and that's how I seem to like it. I don't want to write anymore on this, but I have to because if I don't I'd be breaking my obligation to myself in writing in this journal regularly again and to detail what I felt were the most important events of the day for me. But at the same time if I write all that I have to write, it'll only lead me to looking back on this entry and just feeling ashamed at the fact that I've done nothing at all to change the status quo. Or worse yet, maybe I'll just feel indifference: allowing my feelings to spiral into plain apathy. I don't want to feel ashamed. But I don't want to feel apathy either. What am I supposed to do? Writing it down won't help, I'll just ignore it again and again and feel worse and worse as time goes on. And if you have no idea what the hell I've just been talking about in the last few paragraphs, then you need to read (or reread, maybe) the entries here, here, here and here. Basically the talk I've just had with my father reflects the contents of those entries, only again.
So. So, I won't sum it here then. I guess those entries can speak for me even though they're several months old. You'd think that I'd learn don't you? That I'd get it after writing about the subject over and over and OVER again, boring both the reader and myself with the endless repetition, the endless lack of motivation, and the endless outpouring of guilt and self pity I blaze out on my keyboard in a deluded attempt to appease my ego and make me feel better. In the end it all amounts to naught. I'm still here, I'm still me and I'm still exactly the same. I am a boring goit. God, it's no wonder then when I went back to Adelaide about two years ago, the first thing one of my best friends since 12 years of age said to me, "You haven't changed a bit!". It's because that I haven't. At all. I won't go on this thread of thought because it's starting to sound similar to another entry I did before only I can't remember where it is. But no over reaction. No more over reaction. No more crying, no more self pity: I just genuinely want to know: Why haven't I done anything? Why am I still stuck in the same old routines? Why aren't I growing up? I really want to know. I'll doubt this entry will be able to answer me everything, but.... I can think for a while can't I? I have the time to do so. Heck, I've had the time for about 6 months now. 6 whole months of absolutely nothing but to think about what I was going to do for the future and why I was going to do it: and I didn't bother to think about it until now. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it. That'll just distract me from looking at the problem properly again. I have to FOCUS....
I have to change. Everything changes and so should I. It's the way things work: if there is no change, progress can't be brought about and we'd be stuck in the same spot and we'd stagnate. I.... don't want to change? That could be true. It's the path of least resistance after all, and I'm all for that side of the road, believe me. But at the same time, I don't think I'm going to have much of a choice in the future about wanting or not wanting. My dad's eyesight is going, and he estimates he's most probably going to retire in about two years. Two years. I'll have to find some way of supporting myself in that time (and all the lifestyle luxuries I indulge in). I can't do it. I have to do it. I don't have a choice in this matter, my dad just doesn't have the time nor faculties left to continue working on the job. He's got his permanent residency stamp and papers for Australia and he's planning to move back to Adelaide in the long run. I could stay.... But for that I need to find work. "Want" of change is no longer an issue here. I have to.... It's the only way I can grow up to be a miscreant of some sort. Push away the habits I'm used to and go out and find ways to become self-sufficient. Yes, that's the dream isn't it? I just hope that it doesn't remain a dream. I want it to be real. I want ME to be real. Not this half imagined person made up of conflicting personalities and identities that I turn on and off depending upon a situation. I can't be this fractured person, I want to be whole.
I'm.... afraid to change. Yes, that's true. I don't want to change because I'm not sure how it works. I go by previous examples. Each time I've had to change I've had to leave behind an entire world. First I moved from Malaysia to Australia, then internal from one suburb to another in Adelaide, and then finally from Australia over to New Zealand. Each time I've had change pushed upon me, making me leave behind my friends, my family my way of life. I don't like it at all. I'm afraid of changing all the time. I keep leaving things behind and everything's different. So I petrify and hope that everything will work out fine that way. Because if I don't change then the world doesn't change either? No, it doesn't work like that. Everything is in a constant state of flux. People, places, all things are constantly in motion. Everything has their roles to play and it flows where the stream goes. It keeps on changing. I don't want to change. But.... I don't want to be left behind either. Everybody changes but I remain the same. I want everyone to remain the same, but that just doesn't happen. They'll just keep growing up, and soon I won't be able to talk to them anymore because I'll be the same old me: stuck in the same old place and the same old mindset as when they first met me. Everybody is so far ahead, I can't see them anymore. Please.... Please don't leave me behind.... Please....
.... whew.
If I don't change, I'll be alone and no one will understand me. I guess that's a good incentive as any to keep up. I have about a week to think on this more thoroughly. My mom and dad are going on a trip to Dunedin, and they want some kind of answer or plan from me when they get back. I have a week. I've wasted 6 months now, surely I can concentrate for at least a week? That's not too much to ask of me, is it?
